A Dirty Yuk Yuks Valentine

Recently I had some communications regarding bringing a Yuk Yuks show and maybe an amateur night as well to Newmarket - perhaps at the Deli House. The contact from Yuk Yuks happened to come from Tony Krollo a Comedian I had interviewed on Rogers or Shaw some time ago when I had hosted a show on Cable TV called 'Out & About". I had interviewed Mike Bullard and other comedians in the same segment for live shows they were doing in the area at the time. It kind of speaks volumes about how comics earn a living in Canada, with Tony seemingly having to book shows as well to make a wage he can live with while in Canada's biggest entertainment market.

Anyway, it all got me thinking about doing a stand up routine as some years ago as I'd been a regular attendee to Yuk Yuk's workshops with the comedians like +Glenn Foster when a location was at Yonge and Eglinton in Toronto - even entering Canada's Funniest New Comic contest, and I was the original Producer and Co-Creator of The Canadian Improv Showcase which I also performed for. Then I had kids. Ha.

I got to thinking however, if I was to do a routine, what kind of material could I use? Usually it's from true life experiences with some embellishments but certainly I couldn't use something current as it could be devastating to my current fledgling romantic relationship. But I have hope we'll get through it yet.

My stand-up comedy routine might go something like this : I call it..A Yuk Yuks Valentine

Warning: Content may contain material offensive to some. Ages 18 plus recommended.

I just got into a relationship after a long time being single and I must say it is quite an adjustment isn't folks? When you've been single for so long you have calousses on your right hand only and you're used to stocking tissue and lotion regularly at your bedside in lieu of a mate, you can't help but neglect some everyday duties when love rears its, or rather her head. I won't say 'ugly head" because not only would that be a misnomer in this case - as she's gorgeous - but I may be accused of subliminally adding it for some dasdardly reason only a woman could think of and which would then be revealed at a later time of her choosing...... most likely when's she's in the crux of crucifying you for an accumulation of screw ups you've managed of late. I can hear her now.

 "Ugly head? What did you mean by that? Now everyone's going to think I'm ugly".

No disrespect meant honey. It's just a saying. If they saw you they wouldn't think....Gulp.

"Just a saying!? You refer to an ugly head and me in the same sentence and it's just a saying?!"

At this point venom literally starts spewing from her eyes. You're now half expecting her head to explode with rage. It's true. I've seen it before. And you know its coming..the knockout blow...and all you can do is look down sheepishly wondering what mortal relationship sin you've comitted this time. Mumbling is all that can be deciphered tumbling from your mouth. Time stands still.

"I guess Valentines Day is just a saying too!"she finally ups.

Ooops..you'd foolishly thought a viagara pill on a cupcake (one of 5 spelling I love you) followed by nonstop "love-making" would be enough. Wrong! Perhaps actually making the steak and lobster tails you bought would have helped... or the chocolate strawberries..or a card..flowers...Doh!

Hey don't laugh, that viagra's something else! Seriously, I mean you don't even have to concentrate to be "doing it"...Imagine that eh guys? You can be seriously answering emails and reading the sports, literally behind her back, all without missing a beat and all the while shes in unoblivious lalaland as you thrust your manhood in and out of her like a jack hammer..Sure, touch her breasts occasionally and maybe kiss her neck before going back to your texting..she won't even notice. I'm guessing. I'm guessing here. I haven't done this for the record.

Kissing your girl is not enough on Valentines Day guys!

It does get kind of weird when you start getting jealous of your own penis though. Like on Valentines Day when she said "Oh..I love"...and I'm expecting her to say me right? but she's like " Oh...I love...you..r cock...."

What do I say to that? 'It loves you too?!" Seriously. "I love your pussy too honey" just doesn't feel right either. Anyway, I think she sensed something because she later added that she loved me too - that I was so................"nice and kind". Nice and kind? How about a great lover? How about a masculine maniac? No, I got 'nice and kind" whilst my dick was placed on a pedestal like a freakin love-god. Prick! Geez, penis envy of my own penis...Freud would have a freakin' heyday with this one folks, wouldn't he?
 
I know I'm treading on thin ice here, so I'll walk carefully, especially after my Valentines Day fiasco, which btw, I apparently otherwise spent disappointing her on. Her, being my love interest... the girl I love.. but for who adjustments need made that I'm having a bit of a time with - like for example apparently I snore....and perhaps even on purpose apparently.

Yea, that's what she said. I tried walking her through the reasons that would be silly and juvenile for me to ever want to do that - especially when all I really want to do is please her - but she remains skeptical I think.  All I know is I'd better get my shit together soon or I'm toast...and I'm taking psychic lessons next week...and no, there is no subliminal fuck-all in that last statement for the record.

Careful gents on Valentines Day or you could be turfed!

Heck, have you tried being single in this day and age? It's not like when I was young and dating. No, today's woman not only wants it all, but knows more than I do about sex! Christ, I still remember about 10 years back and I was with this woman of interest when she suddenly cooed in her dove-like voice,  

" You can spank me if you want to." 

If I want to? If I want to? What does that frickin even mean? Christ I was flabbergasted! Stuck between a rock hard place...never mind...Anyway, I spanked her. Slap! Right on the ass cheek...then again.

" You can spank me harder... if you want." 

If I want.... I'm thinking I just want to 'make love", maybe take you from behind to be different or do my tongue thingy women seem to like, but hey this was something else.

Do yourself a favour and dine out next Valentines Day

I spanked her again, a little harder this time all the while trying to keep a rythm going.And you have to look like you do this all the time of course... right guys?. You look like you know what I'm talking about.

"Pull my hair.", she says next, 
" I like having my hair pulled". 

I almost blew it then. Not my load! Perverts. I meant I almost asked ' What the hell do you want me to do that for?"but I bit my tongue. I mean literally I did bite it which stopped me...otherwise.... I'd of fucked myself.

 Then came the Kicker

"Harder!" she says 
  Harder. Harder?! Which freakin one?! My poor confused male brain starts thinking for a split moment, just a split moment, "Does she mean pump, pull the hair, or spank harder?" Don't laugh. It's not easy..I mean I'm having a fuck of a time keeping this going okay! I'm used to just trying to maintain a pumping thrusting rythm to my 'love-making" okay, none of this new age multi-task fucking okay, so now I'm really screwed. And in that split moment of confusion it was almost like my dick got confused too. Seriously, I vaguely remember it actually looking up at me its squinty eye leveling me & seemingly asking me" What the fuck?" before buckling like a piece of spent spaghetti.

Take ur sweety and do weird things on a beach next year on Valentines

So be good to your ladies on Valentines guys! Don't give her a chance to bring up every fuck up you've made in the past 6 months and compare you to every asshole she's been with before you. And they were all assholes by the way, so what hope do you think you really have. (Insert sardonic laugh here). You knew that one though right guys? 

 And Sweetness I'm sorry. I promise I will sleep on my side as you suggested. Please don't make me go back to the palmsy twins! I already know how hard you like to be spanked and to pull your hair....kidding..honey...sweetness?......Oh no. Here we go again! 

Look for upcoming shows to be announced through TPE and should anyone have suggestions for an event or comedy night please let us know!